Thursday, August 2, 2012

A heart breaking with sadness


I write this with a heart full of desperation and sadness, hoping that perhaps putting it in words will stop the physical pain that this sadness causes inside me and maybe, just maybe I can stop crying and get some sleep tonight. I don't have great faith that it will help, but what what else will!?!

I thought that coming here and doing what little I could to serve and lift others would help me heal the wound In my heart from helplessly watching the daily news and also watching friends being impacted by the injustice and cruelty in the world. I thought that by fasting this Ramadan in solidarity with those who are imploring God for peace and an end to the suffering...not just here, not just in Syria, not just in Burma, not just in Sudan, not just for breaking hearts because of lost loved ones, not just for missed opportunities, not just for lack of freedom...it might open the ear of God and somehow make him hear my cries. But it only gets worse. Every day I realize that the suffering is so much bigger than me, with my limited ability to speak, my limited means, my limited ability to heal their wounds, bring back the dead, open the embassies that deny visas to those who need safety, or even open the ears, eyes, and heart of God who seems so distant and silent. I can't even put my arm around a grieving mother because I can't speak her language enough to comfort and express my sympathy. God, why did you give me this empathetic heart and then make me incapable of using it to lift your children? WHY?!?!

I thought that by coming here I could do more...I thought that perhaps I could turn my small contribution into something more significant and meaningful. I have been made painfully aware of the magnitude of the injustice and cruelty in the world and my helplessness to do anything to stop it....regardless of how much I give, do or sacrifice it's infinitely bigger than me or you or governments or NGOs or the UN, or perhaps even God himself.  I wish I could go back 15 years and change my university major to counselling and learn a few foreign languages, so perhaps I could reach them and help them overcome their pain, even if I am helpless to stop it. Then again, it would be impossible with my inability to create boundaries between myself and others (for good and bad). For heaven sakes, I haven't even been exposed to the worst of the suffering and I'm already shredded inside! What can be done?  I feel so helpless....so utterly helpless!

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